There were two books that really turned things around for me: Dale Carnegies How to Win Friends and Influence People and Keith Ferrazzis Never Eat Alone. These books actually have a lot in common - they both focus on how exactly to effectively interact with other people. Carnegies book focuses on the actual interactions themselves - how do you actually step up and converse with someone Ferrazzis book continues that thought - how do you build a conversation into a relationship that has value Theyre both filled with very specific tips that you can start applying right off the bat. 更多信息请访问：http://www.24en.com/
With that information in hand, I had a good idea of what to do - I just needed to get started doing it. Here are some direct actions you can take to start investing in building a network of friends and acquaintances that actually have value, both to you and to the person youre connected to.
Engage in activities that enable a lot of interactions with a lot of people.
The first step is to simply meet people whose interests overlap with your own. Sure, you may know people through work, but thats only the tip of the iceberg - there are many, many people out there to meet, to know, and to develop friendships and relationships with. Here are some tips for getting out that front door.
Identify social activities that mesh with your interests. Like reading books Join a book club. Like outdoor activities Join an outdoor club. Curious about the community Go to any sort of community activity - check at city hall for the community calendar. Obsessed with your career Go to meetings and conventions related to your professional area. Join Meetups for any activity of interest to you. Most large cities offer a lot of opportunity to explore whatever interest you may have.
Dont give up on it after just one meeting. The biggest mistake that people make when joining a potentially interesting group is that they give up when they go to the first meeting, the people there already seem to know each other, and there are ongoing things that theyre not familiar with. Give it a few meetings. Ask questions if you dont know whats going on. Dont just assume that youll immediately be part of any ongoing social circle at this group - give it time to happen.
Dont be afraid to be the first to talk - but dont be the only one talking.
One intense challenge for me is to know how to deal with a group of people when no one is talking. Everyones experienced them - those periods of silence when no one has quite yet taken the initiative to start a conversation or to bring up a new topic. Thats the perfect time to get a new conversation rolling and to be noticed by others, so take advantage of it. Here are some tips.
Realize that everyone else is probably feeling as uncomfortable as you are. If theres a silence in the room, its probably a good indication that many of the people there dont know what to say next and are feeling some of your discomfort. By stepping up and getting the ball rolling, you often attract a positive response from others.
If all else fails, ask a contextual question. Most of the time, I dont know what to say, so Ill use whats going on as the context for a question. Ill ask a question about the group itself, the event were engaged in, the book the book club is reading, or so on. If youre in a very small group, current events can be a good topic to break the silence.
If you notice youre the only one talking, its probably time to give someone else an opportunity. In other words, trim your point to a close and try to finish by encouraging someone else to talk. One good way to do that is to finish with a What do you all think
Ask questions.
The most effective way Ive found to get a conversation going or to continue it is to get a person to talk about themselves. The easiest way to pull off that trick is to ask a question - create a situation where it makes social sense for that person to begin discussing themselves. Heres some advice on how to do that.
Ask a question that the person would feel comfortable answering. If youre in a book club, questions about the book youre reading are always fair game. If theyve brought up their children or family, cursory and positive questions about that topic are fair, too. In general, questions that are positive in tone and arent too personal are always worthwhile. Compliment someone, for example, and ask where they got that item or idea.
Listen to the responses. Listen to what theyre saying. Try to understand their viewpoint and experiences - theyre going to be different than your own. If you find yourself getting bored, then youre either discussing a topic that truly doesnt interest you or youre not clicking with that person, which is fine, but the first step to a positive connection is to listen to what they say and try to figure out what they mean.
Use the responses for follow-up questions if you dont have a compelling idea of your own to interject. If you dont know how to respond to what theyve just said, figure out the part thats troubling you and turn it into a question again, allowing them to explain further. It not only clearly shows that youre listening and are engaged, but it gives the person a greater chance to expound their thoughts in a positive light.
Focus on the people that interest you.
There are going to be people you are uncomfortable interacting with, either for obvious reasons or for reasons you cant quite put your finger on. You dont have to interact with them. Instead, focus on the people who give you a positive feeling - people who click with you and engage you. These people will be much more likely to build up an actual relationship with you, whether it be a friendship or a business relationship. Here are some tips.
At first, interact with a lot of people. Listen to whos talking and figure out which people are actually interesting to you. When you see people standing alone and not talking, talk to them. When theres a group talking, listen in. Spend some time interacting with as many people as you can. The reason is to figure out which ones you may click with.
Gravitate gradually towards the people you find most interesting. It might be the person talking the most at the center of the room, or it might be the person sitting quietly off to the side. Keep conversing with the people that click with you. Dont be afraid to move on if they exhibit behaviors that make you uncomfortable.
Once youve narrowed it down, focus on building up ties with the people that fit best with you. Exchange contact information with one or two of them if it feels like you might really have something in common. If that doesnt feel appropriate yet, just make sure that you have opportunities to meet those people again at other, similar events - come to the next group meeting, for example.
Follow up.
If youve actually traded contact information with someone in a genuine fashion, meaning that it was because of a desire to actually further exchange ideas, follow up. Dont just let it dry there on the vine. I usually try to contact new people Ive met once every few weeks - for example, I recently was elected to a community board, so Im slowly putting forth an effort to get to know everyone on that board.
Wait a bit, then make a contact. I usually find that for most people, a follow up email thats non-fluffy is worthwhile. I try to recall what weve talked about (I usually jot it down on the back of whatever contact info I get), do some research on the topic, and continue the conversation in some regard. I always make sure to include a reminder of who I am as well, usually starting it off that way (This is Trent Hamm. We met recently at the Smiths fire benefit dinner and we discussed some changes in the towns sidewalk policy.).
If they dont respond back, dont push it. Just wait for another opportunity to meet that person in a social environment and chat about it. Quite often, people intend to respond but just get busy with things - its often not a snub. However, you should make sure not to make yourself a nuisance.
If you can easily do a favor for someone, do it. Quite often, opportunities will come up where someone is in obvious need of a helping hand. If you have the opportunity to help out, especially if its easy for you, do so. Helping out the people around you is the single best thing you can do to build a solid relationship with the people youre helping - plus, you get the opportunity to make someone elses life better.
Dabble in hosting social events.
One great opportunity to build and cement relationships and friendships is to host small social gatherings. Im pretty partial to the dinner party or barbecue, myself - inviting people into your home and serving them food is a great way to get people to open up and connect to each other.
Invite a diversity of people. If you have a gathering, its good to invite people who do know each other and people who dont. I usually try to keep the number small and make sure that everyone there knows at least someone else besides me, but ideally not everyone knows everyone else. If you dont know that many people, just invite who you know and keep the number relatively low.
Try very hard to accept any reciprocal invitations. If you get invited in return, make a special effort to go to that event. Social invitations are more valuable than you think and theyre often a sign of acceptance into a larger group. Make an effort to go to any invite you get, especially if its the first one.
Keep the communication going - dont let it die off.
Once youve built a connection with someone, dont let it fall apart because youre too busy. It only takes a few minutes every once in a while to keep a relationship healthy, so take the time to do it.
Keep in contact regularly - a handwritten note on a special occasion is a great way to do it. Send out New Years/winter seasonal cards to everyone you can, with a quick handwritten note inside greeting them. One year, I made up almost three hundred of these and it was worth the effort. Similarly, if you find out someones made a career change, bought a house, got married, or had a child, make sure that you pop a handwritten note and perhaps a small gift their way.
Send quick emails semi-regularly. Some people do this with their cell phone, but I find that to be kind of intrusive for just touching base with someone. I often use a quick personally-written email just asking how theyre doing and maybe delivering a few sentences on what Im up to or whats currently interesting to me. I dont do this too regularly - every few months or so - but it does a great job of helping a relationship to not wither and die over a long period of time.
The real key, though, is to build a solid number of meaningful relationships and friendships and make sure they dont wither - these are the people who you support and will support you when you need it. The first step is up to you.
